Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize