Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
