your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
A+ Viking dick
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