I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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