why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
