If that was your dad, he is hot
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
