My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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