It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
