I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
