I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
