i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
