allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
