I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
