My Higher Power is John Stamos
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
And then my night got REAL pukey
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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