Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
