I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think my moral compass just broke
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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