But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
