No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
