I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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