youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
