I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
