I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
