"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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