i think my tv is drunk
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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