i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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