That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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