Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
