No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
It's blow job season.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
