Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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