I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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