i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
