I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
