If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
