my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
