Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
