No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
