hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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