I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
