I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We're too hungover to prance.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
