I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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