fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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