Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
