also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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