Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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