It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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