Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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