Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
