if i can run in heels then i can drive
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
