I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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