Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
