Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
