I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
