i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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