I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
