I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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