The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
