A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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